Loneliness

I spent a lot of my time feeling lonely, even in a crowd.  I wasn't comfortable in my own skin; I'm still not. I can't stand to be alone too long.  I need noise on when I'm home alone, or I need to be reading.  Things like this never made sense to me until around 40.

As more details of my childhood and my mother's choices came out, I realized why loneliness is such a fear of mine.  Not having that bond with her at all left me feeling profoundly lonely and on edge especially when we have to spend time together.  As a result I try to see her as rarely as possible.  I find texting is the better option for me.  I can't even reliably speak with her on the phone.  I end up with the lonely feeling taking over for a few hours or days.  I still fear emotional and physical abandonment from everyone.  I felt so alone when I was with her.  I felt more alone with her than I did when I was alone.  I was almost incapable of being alone until I was in my early 30's.  I can't be alone for more than about 12 hours each day even at this point.  I do enjoy my 8 or so hours of alone time daily.  I have chores and projects I need to work on, house cleaning, cooking, fun time wasters and plans to make.

Both my mother and half-sister are narcissists.  They get along well enough.  They are two peas in a pod and it's impossible to be in the same place with both of them.  I retreat so far inside my shell I won't really speak unless directly spoken to, if then.  I retreat inside my mind where it's safe.  Loneliness is then my shield against their venom.   As I grow and comprehend more about my reactions, motivations and how I process things, I learn that I'm pretty messed up, but absolutely not alone.  So many other people are victims of narcissists and the loneliness they drag with them into any relationship.

I have no magic answer for dealing with loneliness, feeling full and content or anything.  I can say that prayer helps me center myself, reading helps me escape, not thinking about the past, not letting her lies hit home (providing I can escape enough)  and realizing my husband and son won't leave me do help.  I spend a lot of time emotionally lonely even in my marriage and with my son.  I tend to retreat inside my shell until I figure out why I'm hiding and identify what has ultimately triggered my hiding out.  It's usually tied to self worth and nothing they've said or done.

Despite the fact this post makes me sound agoraphobic, antisocial, and depressed, I actually enjoy the predictability of my days, I enjoy spending time in my home doing my own thing.  I wish my own thing included being an amazing housekeeper.  I used to want and need that connection to a lot of people.  I now have stability and contentment in my husband, son and kitty.  I selfishly want to spend all my time with them.  I want to spend time as a family 'just being'.  I am fairly outgoing when I have nothing to lose,  I enjoy those superficial relationships when I'm in stores with fellow customers, with favorite cashiers.  I don't have to explain my suddenly withdrawn moments to people I don't see daily, nor do I have to explain an anxiety attack or suddenly feeling socially awkward.

I think the loneliness may be more profound due to the nature of the missing mother daughter bond.  I feel an elemental loneliness due to rejection.  I tend to process this through internal dialogue.  I don't mind baring my soul on the internet, but baring my soul to a therapist or friend is level of vulnerability I'm not ready for.  I actually tried seeing a psychologist but he had little regard for my time or feelings. He'd keep me waiting well after our appointment time then apologize for being late.  He knew he was seeing me for anxiety. The abandonment issues and my narcissistic mother and half-sister came out in therapy.  He gave me the words I needed, then I started my own research.  I gave up therapy for good when I found a friend who was a psychology professor.  She said one simple phrase to me.  "let go of things you don't use, it's not abandoning them, donating them frees them for someone else to love."  I knew then I needed to free myself to be loved.  Realizing and knowing how to let go of that deep loneliness are two separate things.

Knowing or Realizing

There are times I do long for stable, healthy, loving mother, daughter, sibling exchanges and deep relationships.  I do wish that things had been different, but facing facts, things won't be different.  I can change the way I think about things, I can change my reactions, I can choose to allow or deny contact.  I can choose for myself, but I can't change one thing about either of them.  Realizing  and knowing that they can't be changed, I can only change myself are two totally separate things.  I have knowledge down, I'm working on the realization and acceptance of the fact I hold no power to change things.

Knowing and realizing can be maddening.  At first blush they seem the same, but they are so very different.  Knowing that it's raining is one thing, realizing it's raining means more.  It usually means a person is prepared for the rain.  Knowing a tornado is on the ground is different than realizing one is on the ground.  When you realize it you head for the tornado shelter.  Realizing something is like "Hey!  This is actually real!!"  knowing something is softer "hey there's something going on"

I know I can't make my mother or half-sister take me seriously, pay attention to what I say, take my feelings into account, behave like people who care about me and treat my husband and son with any respect.  Realizing it, hurts so much more than knowing it.  Realizing it means it is real and I have to react.  Realizing means accepting that I have no power to change anything, but can only respond to preserve what I value.  Realizing means I have two choices, fight or flight.  I most often choose flight, because to fight is a waste of my time and energy.  Nothing has changed in all the years I've made my feelings known as far as their behavior goes.  A tornado does what a tornado does and a narcissist does what a narcissist does. It's my job to get myself and those I love out of their paths.

Addressing unexplained fears: nap time

I have a lot of early memories.  Memories shouldn’t occur before a certain age.  I have distinct memories from my 2’s and 3’s. Many happy, but some were so unusual.  I had unexplained paranoia and fear when it came to night time and naps while in my crib, and I remember some of it.

I was told that I had to be put on a mild dose of Thorazine as a child because I used to have “fits” at night.  My Mama told me that I’d wake up, wild eyed, running around my crib screaming.  She obviously didn’t tell me that at 2 or 3.  She told me when I was much older.  

I recall very clearly one afternoon waking in my crib.  I saw Mama across the room sleeping on her bed.  I remember biting the crib rail, I remember silently screaming in my head “wake up, wake up” I remember playing with my wind up lamb and my mobile.  I made noise and kept willing her to wake up.  She did wake up and I was relieved. 

I hated playing alone.  I wanted someone with me at all times.  I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me as I aged.  The fear wasn’t getting any better.  I continued to freak out when people took naps or fell asleep before I did.  I was always the last one asleep at sleepovers, summer camp, I never napped in elementary school.  I hated naps and sleeping. 

This unnatural fear of someone not being awake during naptime plagued me for years.  It started coming to a head after our son was born.  I would literally fly into a panicked rage when I’d announce I was going to nap and my husband also said he’d nap.  I would totally flip my lid.  This led to many harsh words, scathing accusations and panic.  I felt like he was stealing a nap from me because I couldn’t nap if he did.  That meant no one would be awake to watch our son during the day.  He couldn’t understand this, I couldn’t understand it, nor could I try to explain it.  It was insanity and I knew it was.  The only way it was ok to nap while our son was asleep is if he was sleeping at least in the same room with us.  I was in my 40’s before it even started to make sense.  When it did finally come to light, my fear made total sense and has allowed me to start relaxing my standards now that my son is 18.  It has been very difficult trying to relax and fall asleep while my son is out. 

So what was the trigger?  My narcissistic Mother. 

Years after I first heard the story of the cat who defended me from the abusive sitter, it all clicked with one simple comment from my Mother when my son was in his teens.  I told her I’d been up most of the night with him feeling ill.  She said to me with perfect reasoning and justification.  “Now you know why I gave you away.  After dancing (she was an exotic dancer…that means stripper) and drinking all night, the last thing I needed was a squalling baby waking me up”.  Like a clanging bell I heard a voice in my head telling me that I must have cried and cried while she was sleeping, trying to get her to wake up, but she never heeded my cries.  I saw her exhibit the same behavior with my son when he was 5 months old.  He woke up from a nap, and she just stood there talking to him, not touching him or comforting him.  It hurts to know that drinking and drugs were more important that I was.  I know single women who do an amazing job, raising children, stripping, paying bills and spending time with their kids. 

Once I processed that type of abandonment, I was ready to talk to myself and assure myself that it was ok to not be awake as long as my son knew he should wake me up if anything happens or he needs me.  I’ve been calmer when he asks to go out late at night and I need to get to sleep.  He knows my fear, I was honest with him, he comes to the bedroom and wakes me, if I’ve dozed off, to let me know he’s home.  I can now take a nap, with the same caveat, don’t leave without telling me, let me know when you get in, wake me if you need anything. 

Learning about the hurts I was unaware I’d endured, has enabled me to work through a lot of my issues.  I talk to myself as I would a friend who might come to me with a similar problem.  I don’t need a therapist to tell me that I have issues with abandonment.  I’ve labeled it, and the ripples are easier for me to see.  The therapist I used years ago listened to me and let me know that my mother is a true narcissist.  I’ve also broken ties with my half-sister who exhibits the same behavior. 

I am worth more than they know.  I am worth the world to my husband and son.  I just have to start believing in my own personal worth and worthiness of love.