There are times I do long for stable, healthy, loving mother, daughter, sibling exchanges and deep relationships. I do wish that things had been different, but facing facts, things won't be different. I can change the way I think about things, I can change my reactions, I can choose to allow or deny contact. I can choose for myself, but I can't change one thing about either of them. Realizing and knowing that they can't be changed, I can only change myself are two totally separate things. I have knowledge down, I'm working on the realization and acceptance of the fact I hold no power to change things.
Knowing and realizing can be maddening. At first blush they seem the same, but they are so very different. Knowing that it's raining is one thing, realizing it's raining means more. It usually means a person is prepared for the rain. Knowing a tornado is on the ground is different than realizing one is on the ground. When you realize it you head for the tornado shelter. Realizing something is like "Hey! This is actually real!!" knowing something is softer "hey there's something going on"
I know I can't make my mother or half-sister take me seriously, pay attention to what I say, take my feelings into account, behave like people who care about me and treat my husband and son with any respect. Realizing it, hurts so much more than knowing it. Realizing it means it is real and I have to react. Realizing means accepting that I have no power to change anything, but can only respond to preserve what I value. Realizing means I have two choices, fight or flight. I most often choose flight, because to fight is a waste of my time and energy. Nothing has changed in all the years I've made my feelings known as far as their behavior goes. A tornado does what a tornado does and a narcissist does what a narcissist does. It's my job to get myself and those I love out of their paths.
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