Loneliness

I spent a lot of my time feeling lonely, even in a crowd.  I wasn't comfortable in my own skin; I'm still not. I can't stand to be alone too long.  I need noise on when I'm home alone, or I need to be reading.  Things like this never made sense to me until around 40.

As more details of my childhood and my mother's choices came out, I realized why loneliness is such a fear of mine.  Not having that bond with her at all left me feeling profoundly lonely and on edge especially when we have to spend time together.  As a result I try to see her as rarely as possible.  I find texting is the better option for me.  I can't even reliably speak with her on the phone.  I end up with the lonely feeling taking over for a few hours or days.  I still fear emotional and physical abandonment from everyone.  I felt so alone when I was with her.  I felt more alone with her than I did when I was alone.  I was almost incapable of being alone until I was in my early 30's.  I can't be alone for more than about 12 hours each day even at this point.  I do enjoy my 8 or so hours of alone time daily.  I have chores and projects I need to work on, house cleaning, cooking, fun time wasters and plans to make.

Both my mother and half-sister are narcissists.  They get along well enough.  They are two peas in a pod and it's impossible to be in the same place with both of them.  I retreat so far inside my shell I won't really speak unless directly spoken to, if then.  I retreat inside my mind where it's safe.  Loneliness is then my shield against their venom.   As I grow and comprehend more about my reactions, motivations and how I process things, I learn that I'm pretty messed up, but absolutely not alone.  So many other people are victims of narcissists and the loneliness they drag with them into any relationship.

I have no magic answer for dealing with loneliness, feeling full and content or anything.  I can say that prayer helps me center myself, reading helps me escape, not thinking about the past, not letting her lies hit home (providing I can escape enough)  and realizing my husband and son won't leave me do help.  I spend a lot of time emotionally lonely even in my marriage and with my son.  I tend to retreat inside my shell until I figure out why I'm hiding and identify what has ultimately triggered my hiding out.  It's usually tied to self worth and nothing they've said or done.

Despite the fact this post makes me sound agoraphobic, antisocial, and depressed, I actually enjoy the predictability of my days, I enjoy spending time in my home doing my own thing.  I wish my own thing included being an amazing housekeeper.  I used to want and need that connection to a lot of people.  I now have stability and contentment in my husband, son and kitty.  I selfishly want to spend all my time with them.  I want to spend time as a family 'just being'.  I am fairly outgoing when I have nothing to lose,  I enjoy those superficial relationships when I'm in stores with fellow customers, with favorite cashiers.  I don't have to explain my suddenly withdrawn moments to people I don't see daily, nor do I have to explain an anxiety attack or suddenly feeling socially awkward.

I think the loneliness may be more profound due to the nature of the missing mother daughter bond.  I feel an elemental loneliness due to rejection.  I tend to process this through internal dialogue.  I don't mind baring my soul on the internet, but baring my soul to a therapist or friend is level of vulnerability I'm not ready for.  I actually tried seeing a psychologist but he had little regard for my time or feelings. He'd keep me waiting well after our appointment time then apologize for being late.  He knew he was seeing me for anxiety. The abandonment issues and my narcissistic mother and half-sister came out in therapy.  He gave me the words I needed, then I started my own research.  I gave up therapy for good when I found a friend who was a psychology professor.  She said one simple phrase to me.  "let go of things you don't use, it's not abandoning them, donating them frees them for someone else to love."  I knew then I needed to free myself to be loved.  Realizing and knowing how to let go of that deep loneliness are two separate things.