Addressing unexplained fears: nap time

I have a lot of early memories.  Memories shouldn’t occur before a certain age.  I have distinct memories from my 2’s and 3’s. Many happy, but some were so unusual.  I had unexplained paranoia and fear when it came to night time and naps while in my crib, and I remember some of it.

I was told that I had to be put on a mild dose of Thorazine as a child because I used to have “fits” at night.  My Mama told me that I’d wake up, wild eyed, running around my crib screaming.  She obviously didn’t tell me that at 2 or 3.  She told me when I was much older.  

I recall very clearly one afternoon waking in my crib.  I saw Mama across the room sleeping on her bed.  I remember biting the crib rail, I remember silently screaming in my head “wake up, wake up” I remember playing with my wind up lamb and my mobile.  I made noise and kept willing her to wake up.  She did wake up and I was relieved. 

I hated playing alone.  I wanted someone with me at all times.  I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me as I aged.  The fear wasn’t getting any better.  I continued to freak out when people took naps or fell asleep before I did.  I was always the last one asleep at sleepovers, summer camp, I never napped in elementary school.  I hated naps and sleeping. 

This unnatural fear of someone not being awake during naptime plagued me for years.  It started coming to a head after our son was born.  I would literally fly into a panicked rage when I’d announce I was going to nap and my husband also said he’d nap.  I would totally flip my lid.  This led to many harsh words, scathing accusations and panic.  I felt like he was stealing a nap from me because I couldn’t nap if he did.  That meant no one would be awake to watch our son during the day.  He couldn’t understand this, I couldn’t understand it, nor could I try to explain it.  It was insanity and I knew it was.  The only way it was ok to nap while our son was asleep is if he was sleeping at least in the same room with us.  I was in my 40’s before it even started to make sense.  When it did finally come to light, my fear made total sense and has allowed me to start relaxing my standards now that my son is 18.  It has been very difficult trying to relax and fall asleep while my son is out. 

So what was the trigger?  My narcissistic Mother. 

Years after I first heard the story of the cat who defended me from the abusive sitter, it all clicked with one simple comment from my Mother when my son was in his teens.  I told her I’d been up most of the night with him feeling ill.  She said to me with perfect reasoning and justification.  “Now you know why I gave you away.  After dancing (she was an exotic dancer…that means stripper) and drinking all night, the last thing I needed was a squalling baby waking me up”.  Like a clanging bell I heard a voice in my head telling me that I must have cried and cried while she was sleeping, trying to get her to wake up, but she never heeded my cries.  I saw her exhibit the same behavior with my son when he was 5 months old.  He woke up from a nap, and she just stood there talking to him, not touching him or comforting him.  It hurts to know that drinking and drugs were more important that I was.  I know single women who do an amazing job, raising children, stripping, paying bills and spending time with their kids. 

Once I processed that type of abandonment, I was ready to talk to myself and assure myself that it was ok to not be awake as long as my son knew he should wake me up if anything happens or he needs me.  I’ve been calmer when he asks to go out late at night and I need to get to sleep.  He knows my fear, I was honest with him, he comes to the bedroom and wakes me, if I’ve dozed off, to let me know he’s home.  I can now take a nap, with the same caveat, don’t leave without telling me, let me know when you get in, wake me if you need anything. 

Learning about the hurts I was unaware I’d endured, has enabled me to work through a lot of my issues.  I talk to myself as I would a friend who might come to me with a similar problem.  I don’t need a therapist to tell me that I have issues with abandonment.  I’ve labeled it, and the ripples are easier for me to see.  The therapist I used years ago listened to me and let me know that my mother is a true narcissist.  I’ve also broken ties with my half-sister who exhibits the same behavior. 

I am worth more than they know.  I am worth the world to my husband and son.  I just have to start believing in my own personal worth and worthiness of love.